Commentary on Zanesville

This is for anyone who lives in Zanesville, who has ever lived in Zanesville, has ever visited Zanesville, ever plans to visit Zanesville, knows anyone who already lives in Zanesville, or knows anyone who has ever heard of Zanesville, Ohio:

Downtown Zanesville is composed mostly of one way streets. The only way to get out of downtown Zanesville is to turn around and start over when you reach Wheeling, WV.

All directions start with, "Go down Maple Avenue" and include the phrase, "When you see the big Lazy-Boy." Except that in Dresden, all directions begin with, "Go past the Big Basket."

Maple Avenue has no beginning and no end and is not to be confused with Maple Hill Street, Mapleview Drive, or Maplewood Avenue.

Zanesvillians only know their way to work and their way home. If you ask anyone for directions they will always send you down Maple Avenue.

No one really knows where the East Pike, West Pike or Maysville Pikes really are.

Zanesville is the home of Conn's Potato Chips. That's all we eat here, so don't ask for any other snack unless it's made by Conn's.

The "grid-lock" in front of Bethesda Hospital and Wal-Mart takes approximately 32 minutes to get through, so pack a lunch.

It's impossible to go around a block and wind up on the street you started on, unless you're on Center Drive, then you never feel like it's going to end. The Chamber of Commerce calls it a "scenic drive" and has posted signs to that effect, so that out-of-towners don't feel lost. they're just on a "scenic drive."

The 8:00 AM rush hour is from 6:30 to 10:00 AM. The 5:00 PM rush hour is from 3:00 to 7:30 PM. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday afternoon, and lasts through 2:00 AM Saturday. And unless you have important business that needs completed, NEVER drive down Maple Avenue on the Friday that Genesis and Longaberger employees gets their paychecks.

A native can only pronounce Norwich, so do not even attempt it . People will simply tilt their heads to the right and stare at you. The Zanesville pronunciation is "Nor-wick".

The falling of one rain drop causes all drivers to immediately forget all traffic rules including putting on their headlights so oncoming cars can see them; so will daylight savings time, a girl applying eye shadow in the next car, or a flat tire half a block away.

If a single snowflake falls or the meteorologist forecasts a greater than 50% of snow, the city is paralyzed for three days, and it's on WHIZ as a news flash every 15 minutes for a week. All grocery stores will be sold out of milk, bread, bottled water, toilet paper, beer, and Conn's Potato Chips.

If there is a remote chance of snow, and if it does snow, people will be on the corner selling "I survived the blizzard" tee-shirts, not to mention the fact that all schools will close at the slightest possible chance of snow.

If you are standing on a corner and the Z-Bus stops, you're expected to get on and go somewhere.

Water main breaks are a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment, especially when a boil alert is announced.

Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.

Deer hunting season is considered a holiday, so if you call off work, it doesn't count against you.

It is not chili, it's chili soup.

It's not bean soup, it's soup beans.

It's not soda or soft drinks, it's pop.

It's not Dinner, it's Supper.

If you like vegetables, you better get used to having them creamed -- creamed spinach, creamed peas, etc.

People actually grow, eat and like asparagus!

"Yous" is actually a common everyday word (pronounced "use"; "Yous going to lunch?)

You install security locks on your house and garage... and leave both unlocked.

You dress in layers because it could be 35 in the morning and 75 by 4pm.

The local paper covers national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and sports.